How To Color Your Hair Using All-Natural Botanical Dye
I was curious to see if a hair colorant suspiciously free of ammonia, peroxide, formaldehyde, parabens, sulfates, animal products, lead, chlorine, gluten, and dwarf entrails would actually work. Well, let me tell you… It was such an interesting experience that I decided I just had to share with my readers. Who doesn’t need a new, botanically-derived hair color? Even if they have no gray, like me,* a natural freshening of existing color always lifts the spirits.
Also, companies love unsolicited product reviews, so you’re welcome, Light Mountain Natural 100% Pure Botanical Hair Color ($5.99 at Sprouts Market), I decided to try your Dark Brown, and here is my step-by-step:
1. Skip the strand test because you are lazy.
2. Per instructions, boil 12 oz distilled water and add it to the mountain of green powder until it is the consistency of horse crap. (Note: it will also smell like horse crap. Seriously.) Keep in mind that, per the instructions, it is normal for the texture to be “slightly grainy”.
3. Carry the steaming pile into the bathroom and begin to apply, burning the hell out of your fingers because it was boiling just moments ago. Wonder if it’s normal for clumps of product to fall off your hair, into the sink, onto the floor, and down your back. Be thankful you have chosen to do this activity in your underpants. Consult instructions.
4. Add a little more boiled water until mixture is the consistency of cow crap, a determination only those of us raised in 4-H and cowgirl boots will be able to make. The rest of you: think baby diaper after too much fruit. And maybe a little ghiardia.
5. Return to bathroom and begin application process again. Daydream of the State Fair, horses, sidewalks in Paris. Don’t try to wipe up the green splatters all over your bathroom, it only makes it worse.
6. Sculpt an actual pile of cow crap on top of your head using every last bit of your 100% botanical hair colorant. You did pay $5.99.
7. Remove gloves, which are somehow filled with colorant.
8. Begin the delicate task of removing product from the interior of your home, pondering the notion that if the manufacturer’s claims are true, all the plops of green trailing through the house will soon turn dark brown.
9. Hurry up and clean floors (whatever the dog has left behine, having responded to the irresistible odor of animal dung).
10. Leave product on your hair as long as you want. The instructions say, “timing will vary and the strand test will determine what your hair needs.” But you’ve skipped that, so just leave it on a good long while or until you finish a blog post.
two hours later... The once-malleable pile of cow crap has formed a crispy outer shell which is very difficult to penetrate with water, even with the tub faucet fully engaged. A garden sprayer would work better. After approximately 20 minutes of scouring my hair down to the undergrowth, I get the cocoon off my head and come up for air. Good thing I have a full bottle of Drain-O.
(I had to lock Velma out of the bathroom because she kept trying to climb into the tub, presumably to roll in the sediment.)
Results: Hair looks darker and possibly greener. Hands, legs, feet and back of neck stained; bathroom needs repainted. If I did have gray hair, I’m pretty sure this wouldn’t have covered it.
Recommendations: This product should be applied outside, preferably in the nude or wearing a rubber suit. Be prepared to hose yourself off several times during the process, and delight in the knowledge that the used product is being repurposed into a rich fertilizer. Should be avoided by those averse to the smell of cow barn.