The World’s Most Expensive F-ing Chicken (notes)
6:30 a.m.: A beautiful morning. Sit by the pond with latte. Observe that one of the Garcias is looking unwell.
Diagnose Yellow Legs with inoperable cancer based on the following pathogonomic evidence:
- Head has been balding for awhile
- Pretty chicken = healthy; ugly chicken = sick with cancer
- Does not want to eat grapes
- A large mass can be seen and felt at front of chest, near crop
- Conclude that the mass must be a tumor based on the following:
- It is roundish with jaggedy edges
- If I were a tumor I would want to live in a chicken’s crop
Prepare myself emotionally to say good-bye to Yellow Legs while mentally composing her obituary: RIP Yellow Legs: Beloved Sister, Entertainer, Friend…
Spend 2.5 hours looking for a vet that treats chickens, just to confirm diagnosis and perhaps offer palliative care and/or euthanasia. Locate four poultry vets in the City of Albuquerque, all of whom are “off rotation” today. Conspiracy?
Find vet willing to see chicken this afternoon. Try to get some studio work done though distracted by the knowledge that the rest of the day will be spent grieving.
See vet at 2:30 p.m. Vet diagnoses Yellow Legs not with cancer, but with a common intestinal parasite.
Weep a little after I’m handed the bill.
Drive 15 mi. to feed store to buy medication which is only available in large, “calf strength” bottle.
Drive home and ponder the task of converting dosage in mg to Tsp, if solution is 9.6% and the chicken weighs 5 lbs. Refuse to admit that the math you swore you’d never needin school might be helpful here. But ah! The internet:
“It is necessary to know the density of the material being measured to convert its amount in milligrams to teaspoons. For example, the density of water is 1 gram per milliliter, and 0.2 grams of water equals 0.2 milliliters, which is 0.04 teaspoons of water…”
- Put a bit in the small waterers
- Put a bit more in the large waterer
- Vet exam – $65
- Fecal exam – $35 (? that’s extra??)
- “Calf strength” Amprolium – $21
- Gas (vehicle) – $10
- Missed yoga class – $25
- Missed studio time – $300
- Emotional anguish/stress/suppressed homicidal ideation (chicken) – $42,000
- Balance from same chicken’s 2012 vet bill ($90) – $85
- Lack of social life — $500
Eggs owed by Yellow Legs @ $5/doz (fresh, organic, parasite-free): $95,646.
8:30 p.m.: Craft the first of many martinis to be consumed in silence, accompanied only by a pile of unfinished studio work and a medicated, $43,041 chicken roosting happily in the coop; garnish with my own bitter tears.