That Time I was Almost A Model
I found this gem during the Great Crap Purge of ’17 last weekend. A strong argument in favor of pack-ratism. Translation below.
I am writing in response to your Wednesday, August 19th’s ad (for Hot Models Wanted – No Experience Necessary) in the Albuquerque Tribune. I would like very much to model for you.
I am 5’9″, and way (no way!) 115 pounds (is that even possible?). I have lights kin (star quality, as you can tell by my alabaster, bulb-shaped kin), blue eyes, and black hair. I have very long legs (no idea, but I’ve been told this is a modeling must) and am relatively thin (relative to a piece of wire, I am not thin). I noticed in the ad that it said you must be 18-35 (because the porn industry has an insatiable appetite for youth). I hope very much that you won’t let my age stand in the way (no way! Please skyrocket me to fame and into the hearts of every envious teenager on the planet). I have modeled (paid too much for cheesy classes) at Plaza 3 Modeling Agency (scammers who feed on the desperate dreams of adolescent girls and their gullible parents) before, and have (not a day of) expirience (except for that time my sister, friend & I posed on the corner just to see if we could get cars to honk, and possibly crash). The fact that I am only 15 shouldn’t make that much of a difference (my relatively thin legs are still long and I’m still a virgin), because you can’t really tellll (unless you actually read this carefulllly typed letter). I want to get into professional modeling (a recurring fantasy of gangely girls everywhere who are inept at sports and can’t find a boyfriend), and I need as much expirience (and spell-check) as I can get. I would be very deligted (=“delighted” = full of light) inif (pronounced, “ifin'” — a nod to my hillbilly coal mining ancestors) you would consider me as a model for you (and your pervie audience), and not disregard me be-cause of my youth (LOVE ME NOW!!! Just be-cause).
My portfolio isn’t completed (started) yet, so I sent some pictures of myself (and my pet turkeys), for you to look at (perform lewd acts in the company of). They ar m(mmmmmm)just so you can get an idea of what I look like (I know you’re ready to hire me sight-unseen, but just in case). I will be happy to come in (no comment) if you like.
As you can see, I am already a star, a luminous plasma shining so brightly that I obscure my own features. I very much hope you won’t let this stand in the weigh of my modeling career.